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Christmas Jokes (er..groaners)


What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D".

What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!

What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have?
Baby reindeer.

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.

What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine.

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter?
Mice skates.

Where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.

What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

Did you know that all the angels in Jesus' heavenly choir had the same name?
Sure, haven't you ever heard the song, "Hark, the Harold Angels Sing"?

What is Santa's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.

How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With a North Pole-aroid camera.

What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)

Why is Santa a good race car driver?
Because he's always in the pole position.

Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.

What happens when Frosty the Snowman gets dandruff?
He gets snowflakes.

What kind of food do you get when you cross a blizzard with a polar bear?
A brrr-grrr! (burger)

Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.

Billy: How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive?
Tilly: Olive? Billy: Yeah, you know... Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...

The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts, With purchases little and large; She doesn't believe in Santa Claus... But she believes in Master Charge!



15 ways To Confuse Santa Claus! (and guarantee that you will never never run out of coal)

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy."

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."